As a young adult I was not into the alternative. Also little did make sense when enquiry was made, as people could only teach me what they were taught and of course that was very limiting. In truth though I had no real drive to know more. Just like the average person I was obsessed with the world and all it could offer. I was hoping that life would give me the easiest route to comfort and all things shiny. I guess as a youth we believe that it would be that easy and life would be so kind, and that’s where the false understanding of our existence begins. In a dense reality that offers nothing more than ideas of what shines and the extravagance of attaining the title.
When I would see people in meditation I thought that this is an utter waste of time. To sit and do nothing. Why? When there is so much to see and explore and become! In stark contrast of my smiling face and playfulness, I was plagued by unexplained night terrors consistently reminding me of the unseen and little understood forces that move through our reality. I would push it aside to not be different. To be accepted and have a life that I could live and be like everyone else. Fear has a way of making ideas shine, the idea of something beyond us that can save us from terror. For me it was night terror, for others it may be a fantasy of thatprized person they could own beyond the relationships they currently have or the next step or position that will grant them the esteem to attain all that the fancies their youth set out toachieve. What will it take to finally say, I am safe now, I am content and all my needs have been met. Fear at our core makes many ideas shine. And we hold onto and protect those ideas. When they are not met we hope that a higher power will save us until one day we realise that there is nothing coming, so we then place the fantasy of being saved in death. An afterlife where another fantasy will remove our fears and give us peace and contentment.
Life continued, night terrors grew worse and became day terrors as well. The unseen but strongly felt, loudly heard and incredibly real. I knew God must exist as this opposite was so active and so functional and so intelligent. Where was God though? A real horror story that I chose to ignore and drown with a busy mind and eventually substances. Continually looking for safety from the oppression of this experience, life would eventually lead me to those just as fearful as I was. Using fear as a way to be bigger and better and stronger, turning violence into pleasure. An excuse to live in a way that has no accountability as justification for all the daily pain we wished to hide away from.
This was a sure path to the deepest of dark places that sometimes people find themselves in.For some in comes through very stupid choices and for some life just seems to take us there.We forget that another life exists. The mind becomes uncontrollable, paranoid, vengeful and happiness is not just unattainable, but forgotten as if it was never part of creation. Even still we chase the ideas of what shines. The glimmering things of this world that we believe will make it all worth it. When times are dark sometimes we are willing to risk everything for hope. Little do we understand the laws of this existence.
The night terrors begun when I was 3 years old, it would happen if I was asleep or awake. By the time I was 8 it would occur in the day as well. Moving, walking, opening doors, windows and taps. Calling out my name and showing themselves to those around me as well. I was rewarded a single dream a year, by that I mean a night with just one dream and no nightmares, yes just 1 night a year from 3 years old. Something that everyone else had every day. Believe me when I say that I would hold onto that 1 dream a year which was not riddled with fear. At 15 I had a different kind of experience. In the midst of the dark forces at play in my dream, a particular figure of God appeared and saved me from this terror. I woke up and was perplexed. I felt relief that maybe now God has come. That’s when my life changed forever. When light seemed to intervene everything became much worse. Now left with a physical scar from the attack of dark which now became a very physical painful experience, I chose to look for truth because nobody else seemed to understand the reason for all of this. All we know is what we are taught. Foolishly we believe and defend it as if we know it to be true until we die, but all this untruth could help me not. I began to intensely search and read and pray every day for hours. After 1 month it all stopped. I was out of its hold. It had left. I had found something within me that exists in all of us.
I turn 16. I lose sight of this light within me and unknowingly the hold of dark returns and with a much greater task. By 22 much has happened. I have reached a prophetic part of my life. The end. Driving to the place where I was told by that Godly figure that once I get thereGod can help me no more. After many years I begin to pray. I hope. I wait. I feel death strongly. The feeling gets worse every day. The mind is uncontrollable, extreme paranoia. I wait for the gunshot that will end it all, I watch every movement in every moment at all times so that I can be quicker than death. Until I surrender.
One day I see a book on a bedroom table. I pick it up and read, quite different to the usual patriarchal and well-funded mythology we tend to cling to. The book is called “Conversations with God”. In 3 days I complete the book, wow that was amazing. I read book 2 and eventually complete the trilogy in 2 weeks. I sit drinking with a friend one night and try to explain a bit about these books. Trying to convince him but actually trying to convince myself that there might be a better way. I look up and see the rain deflecting of a flood light. I see it, after many years. There it is shining out to me. Beauty. Pointing out the alternative way. Soft, unhidden and with a familiarity that made it seem so natural, as if it was never hidden to begin with. It was there on my drive home and again still when I woke up in the morning. Beauty. Something has shifted. Small but profound.
Another usual night, now I have begun reading many books, I go to bed and in my dream I see a symbol. When I wake up in the morning I can remember this image of a symbol. I draw the symbol on my self and immediately I throw up. The next night another symbol and again I throw up. In the that sequence of dreams I eventually learn 13 symbols, some in my sleep and some in quietness. I realise these symbols are healing me and I see enormous change. The feeling of death has long passed and the death of self unknowingly has taken place. The old me, one confined by fear and teachings of fear and punishment has died. I don’t want to drink or smoke weed anymore. I feel clean, refreshed. I begin to meditate. My mind becomes calm and centered. I begin to try these symbols on people around me who see immediate changes in their aches and pains. They tell me about differences in their lives. I become hyper focused. Reading and meditating often 18 hours a day. Not leaving my room, not going out. No tv, no meat, no sex just this search for the deepest part of me. The part that makes up all parts and all parts in One. To know what everyone else fails to know because I now realise that I am experiencing what everyone blasphemously chooses to not experience as a result of the diabolical and rigid need for all that shines. And for this it is easy to follow all that justifies death and to praise and worship death, what has no life can award us only death.Listen carefully please, there is a psychology that runs this world that is in the depths of all our actions and every thought. It is dark exactly like that unseen terror. Gliding between the words and ideas that society clings to. Regardless of religion and caste and denomination, this ancient psychology is the mind given so that YOU can never know LIFE. How do you convince a blind world that LIFE is not a succession of events? LIFE IS! IT IS CREATION. IT IS ALL. And the death you die in every moment has robbed you of life.
When you travel to the depths of self. When you throw away all ideas that give you understanding and perception. When you glimpse even for a moment the expanse of being. Then teaching will begin. It is soft and quiet like beauty, it is always teaching but the ideas of the mind are loud and persistent. The mind drowns out the quiet teacher using a perpetual war that we are so accustomed to. We have no awareness.
Learning by listening has taught me a method. It is a way to Life. There are only 2 states. Awake and asleep. There is no awakening. There is no mid-state. Even the blind know when the Sun has risen. It is not a mild change. It is not a state which I am happy and things are good. When the eyes open you will clearly see what is death. Life extends beyond the reaches of a mind trapped in ideas, in understanding, in knowledge, in questions and answers. All these things derive from the psychology made to keep you asleep.
Healing is a gift. It is within all of us. We are not alone. Cling not to what you believe is the right way and wrong way. Let action be the energy of kindness. Of non-judgement. By using our will shall we arrive at a reality that is impartial, where there is no interference. Where comprehension itself ends entirely. In that moment we are free and held captive no more.When we unbecome all is given. Every youthful dream and measure of contentment.
I can help you find that way.
